Goblins Are a Girl's Best Friends: Hoggle's Lament
by Scribblesnstuff
Summary: Or what happens when you forget to tell your best friend that you're engaged. First in a line of follow-ups to Goblins Are a Girl's Best Friends - it's not absolutely necessary to have read that to enjoy this, but a few things'll be clearer if you have.


This is the first follow-up to Goblins Are a Girl's Best Friend, and marks the second to last of all my Labyrinth-related writings that I've transferred from DA. The last one is holiday-themed and unrelated to Goblins Are a Girl's Best Friend so I figured I'd wait till December to transfer it on over. More follow-ups will be incoming in the near future, hopefully. : )

The title and introductory paragraph are in tribute to Guys and Dolls, specifically the song "Adelaide's Lament." If you haven't seen the musical then I highly recommend that you do!

Disclaimer: I do not own Labyrinth or Guys and Dolls. The only thing I own are various goblin personalities.

Goblins Are a Girl's Best Friend: Hoggle's Lament, Or What Happens When You Forget to Tell Your Best Friend You're Engaged

The average, over-worked gardener, basically insecure…may to some long frustration react with psychosomatic symptoms, difficult to endure, affecting the upper respiratory tract.

"AH-CHOOO!"

In other words from working overtime on the Goblin King's garden out in the damp night cold, Hoggle had developed a cold.

"Now all's left is to tell that rat that it's done." Hoggle remarked, rubbing at his red nose as he surveyed his work. The beauty of the garden with it's decorative statues and fountain amidst carefully planned beds of roses, lilies, hyacinths, irises and other lovely floral specimens that would not be recognized in the world Above had little affect on the dwarf in his irritable state. "All of a sudden he just HAS to have a private garden." Hoggle grumbled to himself as he trudged up to the gate in the high holly hedge, shouldering his hoe as he pushed the white-washed door open. The roses, although resplendent in various hues of white, peach and red and quite lovely, were also plentiful in thorns. Hoggle was nursing several punctures in his leathery skin and winced as he carefully shut the door behind him.

The weary gardener plodded up the path and into the castle, making his way to the throne room where no doubt the demanding fae was lounging. "What we need here is one of those elly-vators like what Sarah told us about." Hoggle puffed as he climbed a steep stone staircase. Thinking of Sarah cheered Hoggle up a bit. He hadn't been able to see Sarah for the last couple of days with how busy he'd been, but now he was done. 'Maybe after I get done with the King, I can go see her.' He thought to himself, Sarah would no doubt be sympathetic and perhaps have some treats to share.

What Hoggle saw upon entering the throne room was no where near what he had expected. There was no Goblin King lounging upon his throne, no Goblin King kicking goblins and chickens as he danced about the room. The room was as saturated with goblins and the odd chicken as it always was, but it was conspicuously Jareth free. And there was some type of party going on. The goblins were sloshing ale and stuffing their faces with some puffy substance as they sang along with…. "That's like Sarah's telly-vision!" Hoggle gasped, staring at the big screen TV that the goblins were crowded in front of.

"THE PHANTOMMMMMMMMMMM OF THE OPERAAAA!" Murpl belted along with Gerard Butler, spraying bits of his mouthful of popcorn on the goblin in front of him.

Smidge was not pleased with the flecks of partially chewed popcorn in her pink pigtails and delivered her brand of justice, causing the little blue goblin to squeak as he was slapped in the face. "Hmph!" The female goblin turned back to the screen, brushing at her bright hair.

"What're you lot doing?" Hoggle demanded.

"Shhhh!" Grunch shushed the creatures around him. "Can't 'un hear Christine!"

"King gave us a magic box with singing people!" A mildly inebriated goblin answered Hoggle, swaying from side to side.

"Why'd he do that?" Hoggle asked, instantly suspicious.

"To celebrate!" The goblin with the lopsided horn replied cheerfully.

"Lady 'un gonna be Queen!" Grunch clarified happily. "Get 'un musicals all the time!"

"Yay for the Lady!"

"WOO-HOO!"

"Musicals!"

"Exploded food!"

"Queen!"

"Lady…" Then it hit home. "You mean Sarah?" Hoggle shouted.

"Yep!"

"The Lady!"

"Champion!"

"She love 'un King and he love 'un her." Grunch sighed dreamily.

"WHAT?" Thundered Hoggle. Whatever the goblins said in response to this was lost to Hoggle as he stormed out of the room, convinced that somehow Jareth had bewitched Sarah like with that peach during her run. Normally Hoggle would have called on Sir Didymus and Ludo to help him, but they were still off visiting Ludo's family. Resolved to help his friend, Hoggle's booted feet pounded on the stone as he rushed to the nearest portal above. Materializing in her room, Hoggle found it empty and ran down the halls, peeking in the rooms as he ran for a sign of the Labyrinth's Champion or its master.

"Little minx." Jareth accused in a voice that could melt ice after Sarah left a flickering butterfly kiss on the tip of his nose. They were sitting facing each other on the couch, comfortably close as they enjoyed each other's company. This amounted to equal parts teasing, taunting, talking, joking, kissing and snuggling. In other words they were behaving just as you would expect any engaged couple deeply in love with each other to behave.

Sarah gave a coy grin in response that turned into a dreamy 'o' as the Goblin King lowered his head to hers with his bright mismatched eyes half-lidded and his breath a warm whisper against her skin. 'Yayyyyyyyy!' Her mind sleepily cheered, to enthusiastic arm waving, shouting and over-all jubilation from her hormones. The basking of simultaneous feeling of heart, brain, soul and body that was the embodiment of real love that Sarah was indulging in was temporarily interrupted as her husband to-be diverted his course at the last second and brushed his lips against her cheek. "Arrogant jerk." Sarah murmured, unable to hold back a soft smile as Jareth nuzzled into her neck.

"And you love it." Jareth remarked, pulling back to flash her the wolfish grin that made her knees go weak no matter how many times she saw it. He wrapped his arms possessively around her waist and was milliseconds away from joining his lips with hers when the moment was ruined.

Hoggle rushed down the stairs, being too concerned for his human friend to lament that Sarah's house too lacked an elevator. It was when he was about halfway down the staircase that he caught sight of his quarry.

"Aghhhhh!" Hoggle shrieked, breaking into a full out run and launching himself into the air towards the blonde head leaning in to Sarah's. Her eyes were closed. Clearly his friend was bewitched. Hoggle's gravity-defying leap was interrupted as he careened into Jareth's head.

It was as her fiancée and favorite dwarf hit the floor that it occurred to Sarah that she had neglected to inform her other Labyrinth friends of her engagement.

For a minute she was speechless watching Hoggle pummel Jareth's head with his fists as Jareth grasped him with both hands and attempted to pull him off. "Higgle! This is insubordination! Get off of me this instant!"

"Leave 'er alone you rat! Take the spell off now!" Hoggle demanded, flailing as viciously as he could under the effects of a surge of protective bravery.

"Hoggle! Jareth! Stop it you two!"

"Sarah?" Hoggle inquired, halting one of his clenched fists mid-swing. Sarah's green eyes were clear and she certainly looked like her normal self.

"It's alright, Hoggle. I promise I'm in my right mind."

"You're not under a spell?" He relinquished his hold on Jareth's collar hesitantly and Jareth rose off the ground, brushing his cloths and shaking his blonde mane.

"No Hoggle, I'm not under a spell." Sarah assured the gardener, patting him on the shoulder.

"But…but…the goblins said you were gonna marry 'im!" Hoggle pointed up to the Goblin King, who was striking an imperious pose with his hands on his hips. It was at this point that Hoggle noticed that the hands of his monarch were lacking their usual gloves.

"They were correct, Hogwart." Jareth confirmed.

"Oh, it's Hoggle!" Hoggle said, stomping his foot and regaining some of his equanimity. He cast an eye again on his King's gloveless hands; he had never seen him without them. "So you care about 'im, Sarah? Ya really want to marry 'im? "

"I love him." Sarah said simply, looking up at Jareth. The smile on Jareth's face as he gazed back at her told Hoggle everything as he looked between the two.

Hoggle sniffled a bit; for some reason the thought of Sarah getting married made him all misty-eyed. It seemed like it was only yesterday that she was meeting him outside the gates of the Labyrinth…

"Oh, Hoggle." Sarah smiled, kneeling to put her arms around the sniffling dwarf.

"Oh, Sarah! Stop it!" Hoggle cried, putting up his usual pretense of pretending to not enjoy the displays of affection he loved so much from his friend.

"I'm so sorry I forgot to tell you Hoggle! I just got so caught up in…err…everything." Sarah finished with a slight blush, rubbing the back of her neck and conscious of Jareth smirking at her. "Thank you for coming to 'rescue' me from the Goblin King." She added with a smirk of her own. "You're a true friend, Hoggle. I don't know what I'd do without you." Her smirk softened into a radiant smile that made Jareth rather eager to get rid of his gardener and bask in his fiancée's smiles without competition.

"Oh, Sarah!" Hoggle rubbed the back of his hand against his nose. "I feel the same about you." The dwarf replied rather gruffly.

"Wonderful, Higpodge. Now I do believe it is time for you to take your leave."

"It's Hoggle!" Sarah and Hoggle corrected simultaneously.

An idea hit Sarah and it took all her willpower to keep a sudden sly grin very reminiscent of the Goblin King's own off her face. "Jareth, as of right now, every time you mispronounce Hoggle's name the wedding gets pushed back a day."

Jareth's eyes widened. "But precious-"

"Pushed back a day." Sarah confirmed.

"Aren't you eager to be my Queen?"

"Of course I am. We'll just have to suffer together."

Hoggle's expression lifted and a large grin showed the laugh lines in his leathery skin. "Hehehehe….I mean, I'd best be gettin' back then if yer alright Sarah."

"Alright, Hoggle. Please don't tell Sir Didymus and Ludo yet if you speak to them, I'd like to tell them the news myself. Would you like to come over tomorrow for some snacks and help me plan my wedding? It's looking like we're going to have to get married twice. Once Above and once Below and I'm sure you'd be a big help in helping me plan my Underground wedding."

"I'd be happy to." Hoggle replied, puffing up with pride. "Well, bye Sarah! Errrr…goodbye yer Majesty."

"Goodbye Hoggle." Jareth muttered, somewhat sulkily.

Hoggle ascended the stairs, whistling to himself and in a considerably better mood than when he had rushed in. The first thing he would do when he got back would be brew himself a nice cup of tea and then he'd have to visit his cousin Larangia. She was a wedding caterer, as he recalled from the last family reunion.

Sarah giggled at Jareth's expression.

A reluctant smile formed on Jareth's face. "You know I could just happen to be a busy King who can't remember his gardener's name."

"When you can remember the name of every single goblin?" Sarah replied with a grin. "I think not."

"Evil woman, taking away one of my favorite past-times." Jareth commented, wrapping his arms around her.

"You're so mistreated." Sarah agreed, twining her arms around the Goblin King's neck.

"I think the very least you could is kiss me better."

At this, two sets of lips were very agreeably engaged for quite some time.

"I think I'd better call Sir Didymus and Ludo tonight and tell them the news." Sarah said a bit breathlessly when they finally pulled apart, idly running her fingers through the feathery soft gold of Jareth's hair.

"That would be an admirable plan." Jareth agreed, nuzzling into her neck. "After all, Sir Didymus keeps his lance sharpened and I don't very much fancy being stabbed in the shins."


End file.
